Monday, December 27, 2010

One year ago less two days

It is by the thermometer outside my house 29 degrees, the weather station in Pensacola reports 33. It doesn't matter, by Northwest Florida standards, that is cold. To you, that may seem like a warming trend this day, I'm not really sure though. Each morning, Myrtle, our boxer, without fail, makes it from her doggie bed in the living room into our bedroom somewhere between 5:30 and 6:30. I think her waking sometimes depends on the neighbor's porch light illuminating the crisp, frosty, air before the sun rises. Then she is fooled and comes in the bedroom a bit earlier. So, two days a week she seems to come in earlier than the other days of the week.

Myrtle sleeps inside the house if the temperature is to fall below 50. Otherwise, she is quite warm in her crate, lined with blankets and covered pillows, insulating her from the cold concrete. Her crate is covered with two thick insulating liners, making the crate a virtual incubator even when the wind is blowing out of the north. She is spoiled, and rotten at times. But, sit means sit, stay means stay, and she will not eat until I give a command. She knows who the alpha leader is, even when she is tempted to ignore me with a prized bone, or a yearning to slip beneath the dining room table; one of her favorite places to find a snooze. Sometimes when my fibromyalgia is acting up, she is allowed to lay on my legs and up against my chest. Yes, I know that is not acceptable behavior. Her warmth flows from her big boxer chest, and her heavy bulldog head leans into my body delivering warmth to painful trigger spots. I feel a respite from my pain, and she gets the closeness, that all dogs, and especially boxers seem to relish.

I am off work this week, and if I was not in the middle of a major flare with my fibro, I would be outside trimming limbs and removing the latest layer of leaves from my backyard to be placed beneath my shrubs. Alas, even typing sends shots of pain into my shoulders and arms. Such is life for one with fibromyalgia. Do not for a moment feel sorry for me. I don't allow myself such a piss ant attitude. Oh there are times I have a pity party, but it doesn't last long. That kind of coat does not fit me well, and I have learned mind is stronger than simple muscle and sinew. I cannot turn off the pain, but I can move forward, and will a certain amount of attitude to reign over an otherwise, difficult existence.

The secret, which took me a long time to learn is to think as positive as I can, and not to completely isolate myself from my loved ones and friends. I practice smiling, joking, laughing. I read light materials, I do not watch anything that is negative, or movies that are negative. Am I living in a rose colored world ? Yes, to a certain extent I am doing just that. There is plenty of reality in my life, from my work, to the problems that crop up just about everyday, and to the old adversary that accompanies me on my path through life, my shadows, and fibro. So, I don't apologize for looking forward and not dwelling on the pain, or the other things that could easily stop me from living a good life.

I have enough weaknesses to pass around, and still have plenty more. I practice my sins as well as the next person, probably more so. I try to forgive myself, but I am possessed at times by a genetic flaw ( that's my theory) that won't allow me to forgive myself as I should. Lord, the great creator forgives me before I can even think what he already knows. Yet, I return to the scene of the crime ( sins) and put myself into a position I cannot win. Loathing is a terrible thing. It is easier to forgive, forget my flaws, and try to do better and move on.

This world is amazing. From the leaf on the tree, to the great complexity of an environment like the Everglades. I see life in a natural sense. The technical aspects that we humans have devised is wondrous to me, but I am afraid not as rewarding to my mind as the flow dynamics of a river bend, or the timing of the bloom each spring along the Suwannee. I embrace certain technical developments for what they do for me. Beyond that I don't go very far. Shirley bought for us a new coffee machine that makes one cup at a time. I was impressed with its efficiency, the heat the machine can apply to formally cold water too. But, until she pointed out I could make tea with the machine, I was merely accepting of its modern capabilities. A hot cup of Earl Grey, without using the microwave to heat my water ?! Oh my, my, my. Still,steeped green tea is magical, the flavors creeping over my tongue, the bite at the beginning of a sip, the sweet undertones as I swallow. Oh, yes, steeping is unbeatable, but efficiency for its own sake is sometimes palatable.

I am up early, having had my wakeup call from Myrtle for her food, and also to have blood drawn. I have timed such an endeavor terribly. Blood for my heart, my cholesterol, and a good number of other things is checked and rechecked during the year. But, to check such things at Christmas time is just plain stupid. I am at my weakest, giving in to a fine cocoa, a delicious morsel or ten of chocolate, refined from beans grown far away in a humid, warm valley deep in the equatorial zone. I can hear my family doctor now. "Lose 20 pounds ( it used to be lose 10 pounds) or face more problems." Ah, well, I am good most of the warm months, it's those darn cold months that get me in trouble.

Today I will read, try and get a long walk in, go to the Home Depot hunting tiles that will compliment our bathroom, and get a haircut. The haircut is behind schedule. My naturally wavy hair is acting up, especially on the top of my head. The cowlick I have sported since I can remember is peeping up over the back of my head, indicating that my hair, though it may be deciduous in nature, changing colors as I live, is most decidedly making decisions for itself. Scissors will fix that.

Well, I have fasted and fasted for my blood work, and have had nothing to eat. Here it is a bit beyond the 8 am central time, and I am hungry. I will go to the kitchen, and have English muffins, thank you very much, brother and sip, yes, sip lightly and with great satisfaction, a nice tea along with my muffins. To each of you I say thank you for being there. Your work, your life inspires me, I have admired from afar. It is past time to say such a thing.

God Bless one and all

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